Our daughter's name was Clara, meaning bright, shining girl. She brought lots of light and joy to our family. We often played a game in which one of us named a condition (e.g. being tall, being short or falling down), then we took turns looking for the good in it as much as we could. Her answers often astonished and amused me. For example, we once played looking for the good in rain. Besides points like the reservoirs need rain to fill up, farmers need rain for the fields, rain often makes a hot day cooler and more pleasant, we can quietly enjoy the sound of dropping rain etc., she suddenly said we can have fun being wet in the rain. I clapped my hands in agreement, and we quietly looked forward to the next rain for fun. We usually ran for shelter when it started rain. But on that day we just relaxed and had fun. We were wet all through, but we just took our time watching the leaves falling and floating, just like boats on the small pools of water on the roadside. We had so much joy running, singing and dancing in the rain, that it left us both with beautiful memories associated with a rainy day!

Clara was six and soon changing from nursery class to primary school. The housemaid who had helped us all along in taking care of her was emigrating. So I planned to take nine months leave from my work to be with Clara to help her adapt to the changes. I accompanied her to and from school, and took her to gardens, beaches, parks, markets, exhibitions, libraries etc. We made cakes and toys and made up stories at home. We had so much time for fun together. At the time, I wished to become a vegetarian. As a New Year's plan, my husband suggested that we try it out first ourselves with the start of the year 1993 and let Clara join us a little later. It worked out well. Our family was very happy! Half a year with us in a holiday mood flew by quickly.

At a picnic in late February 1993, we were happily playing one of our usual games. Like a Japanese swordsman, Clara used a twig to cut up a long piece of grass held in the air on both ends by my husband and me, and suddenly she asked us why she was seeing things in double. We brought her for an examination the next day and discovered that she had a brain tumor in an inoperable position. According to past records, chemotherapy or radiotherapy could only prolong her life for two to three years. The surgeon could only do a shunting operation to lessen the headaches that would occur when the tumor grew big. It was a big blow to us! We only told Clara an operation was needed for the brain tumor, but did not mention the severity of the condition. She accepted the news without a problem. At that time she was happy as usual, with no other symptoms. After the operation she drew a thank-you card for the doctor with Mickey Mouse sick in bed and other animal friends visiting near the bedside. All the animals were smiling happily.

Time started to slow down. Gradually Clara became unsteady in standing up and was unable to attend school. We went out only on weekends and stayed at home reading books, watching videos, singing and playing. What disappointed her most was that she could not draw well with her unsteady hands. But we were happy telling stories.

One day in mid-May, She suddenly told me: "Mama, I'll die soon." I asked her why she had said that, and she replied, "I know. I can feel it." So I said: "Anyone may die at any time. Mama going out today may be hit by a car and die, too. What we can do is treasure and live well each day." So we talked about our heavenly father, places where we can go after death, like heaven to meet Jesus, the western paradise in Buddha's land, etc.

Then she started to slur her speech. I could only pray for help. Taking care of her, I had stopped reading newspapers for a few months already. But surprisingly, on May 29, I took up a newspaper and on one of the inner pages I saw a photo of a Master from the Himalayas, who was giving a lecture on that day. I phoned my husband at his office, saying that I wished to attend the lecture. So we arranged to have my mother-in-law come to take care of Clara with a new maid. As I had promised to be back home by nine, I left the talk while Master was answering questions. The next day my husband phoned the local contact person to learn more about Master's teachings. We were impressed and started to learn the Convenient Method, waiting for initiation. We also prayed for Master's best arrangement for our daughter.

Soon, it was Clara's seven-year birthday. Her condition deteriorated quickly. She was often in bed and could not speak. She was frequently thirsty but could only indicate her thirst to us by signing with her fingers. Because she easily choked while drinking, we could only use a syringe to drop water slowly into her mouth. My husband and I took turns taking care of her. My husband had to work in the daytime, so I stayed up nights to look after her as she frequently asked for water in her sleep. Then deep in the night of June 2, I was sitting next to her. I was very tired but still struggling to keep my eyes open to watch for her requests. As in a trance, I heard, "Lay down your heart. Master is helping you watch over her." I was surprised and asked, "Master? What Master?" Then I saw the photo of Master near the bed smiling at me and I understood. I said: "You really have to watch her, because she cannot speak out now." But I was still unsure and refused to close my eyes. So Master comforted me and said, "You see, is she sleeping very well now? It's been a long time that she hasn't asked for water." I agreed. Only then did I let go, and dozed off to sleep.

The next morning, my relatives, having heard how critical Clara's condition was, came as a group to visit. Miraculously, she could talk again and got out of bed to play with toys on the floor. We were so thankful to Master, and prayed for initiation as soon as possible.

We were lucky that Master soon answered our prayer. There was a video lecture on June 26, to be followed by an initiation. I phoned and asked whether we could bring along our daughter who was sick. The answer was that we could. However, since she had not been registered for initiation, she could not get in for initiation.

A few days later, Clara asked me why she had often been seeing blue light and hearing the sound of a bell recently. After the initiation instructions, of course I understood what she was talking about. So I told her that it was a gift from Master and asked her to enjoy this inner Light and Sound, which was good for her, and to pray to Master for help in any time of trouble. I was so thankful to the one on the phone, who had allowed me to bring her to the lecture, as she had obviously received much blessing from Master on that day.

We prayed for Master's best arrangement. July went by slowly. But Clara began to deteriorate again in August. She had convulsions and frequent loss of consciousness. Minutes passed so slowly that I understood what the Chinese phrase 'passing a day like a year' felt like. It was more painful to watch her suffer the medical procedures than it would be to bear the procedures myself. On August 26, a friend visited and helped to aspirate her sputum. I mentioned that seeing her suffer so much, I no longer wished for her to get well again. The friend asked if Clara could hear us speaking. I said I could not tell, as she had been unconscious for so long. But just then I caught sight of her eyeballs moving in her closed eyes. So she could hear! Two hours later she died. She left only after she was sure I was ready to accept her death.

I knew that it was God's best arrangement. I did not cry, as I knew she was well taken care of by Master, and my crying would only
delay her journey. When a friend asked me what I was feeling then, I was surprised when I answered spontaneously: "Part of me inside has died with her." I had never spoken in such a sentimental tone before. My friend was also taken aback, so I just smiled jokingly. I had often wondered what those words meant myself because I was not feeling sad. I only felt relieved and most thankful to Master and also the fellow initiates who had helped to meditate for her.

Master stayed in Hong Kong then after the lecture and we all enjoyed Her loving presence. Once Master lovingly asked my husband and me whether we had children. When we told her that our child had just died, She comforted us: "Your child is in a better realm than we are in now." When my husband asked why some children die young, She said some children come to claim debts from their parents while some may be saints coming to help their parents. I knew that Clara had come to help us. Master was so kind. She also blessed us with a gift of the water spinach that She had grown Herself in the Center. We were so lucky and happy!

I wanted to devote more time to spiritual practice and Master's work. I thought that was the best thing we could do for ourselves and for Clara and our relatives. My husband supported my decision. I was happy and time flew by again.

A few months later, I had a strange, vivid dream. I was walking quickly with a group of people when I caught sight of Clara standing behind bars. She was not in pain, but appeared to want to speak to me. I was puzzled. We were in a hurry to go somewhere to do some work. I was at a loss. After many struggles, at last I hurried on. I often wondered what the dream meant. After that, I never dreamt of Clara again.

In Cambodia in 1996, Master scolded me for having no love. I knew Master was helping and blessing me. But inside I was still asking Master: "If I have no love, why is it that I feel so painful when I see others suffering?" That was another puzzle in my mind.

Before attending the Washington Christmas retreat in 1997, we took a few days holiday in the United States. While sitting near a freezing stream, I had memories of Clara playing happily in the snow with her cousin in Canada. A surge of grief arose in me for the first time since her death. Only then did I realize that I was sad about her death. Suddenly, the meaning of what I had said at the funeral came to light. The part inside that had died with her was my heart! I had lost my heart and felt no interest in life. I had avoided anyone and anything that might remind me of Clara. I had a life, but was not living. That was why Master had said that I had no love. I decided then to really let go of the past and be happy and loving.

It is now seven years since Clara's death. I have unpacked her things. She liked to sing and act out her stories. On hearing her voice on the tapes, I started to cry out for the first time for her sickness and death. Previously, I thought I had let go and transcended my emotions, but actually unknowingly I was just repressing my sadness. I was afraid that being sad would pull down my daughter and affect my husband. To avoid feeling pain, I had locked myself up. There is another form of ignorance I can see clearly now. My love for family members and friends had become conditional: I avoided them if they were not receptive to Master's teachings. I even ignored my health and work. Suddenly, I understand my dream. It was I who was locked up and behind bars, not Clara! She was just trying to awaken me, but in my hurry I had refused to listen!

On heariastories again, I review her childhood wisdom. All things are one and connected. The curve or straightness in the world is just a difference in perspective. They may appear different and separate, but actually cannot be divided. It's all but a dream. So to have a good or bad dream is our own choice. We are really free as the wind; free to blow away the dark clouds anytime we choose, and the bright sunlight will reappear.

So I start to play our usual game of looking for the good in this experience. We were blessed with the chance to meet a living Master at our time of trouble. The ephemeral nature of life is a reminder for spiritual practice. Suffering is but a purification process. Without the suffering due to the sickness and death of our daughter, in our usual comfort it would not have been easy for my husband and me to let go of the world and start our journey Home. So it is a blessing in disguise. I also have learned the importance of releasing emotions. I hope reading this may in some way help some brothers or sisters who may be facing the death of loved ones. I also have learned that time heals and love grows. In this world of dreams, love is the one true thing. Without fear and avoidance, we can grow in empathy and unconditional love. All are one and connected. Separation and avoidance are only a dream. We cannot be at ease if we are stuck in our dreams and ignorance. Once we are awakened and aware of our ignorance, it is easy to clear the blocks, and let our inner Light shine. Let us radiate out as good examples of Master's teachings. I am thankful for every arrangement of God and treasure the experience of living.

If life is a dream, let it be a dream of love and peace. If life is a play, I choose a joyous play.

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