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 If there had not been group meditation to sustain and encourage me, I definitely would not have had the strength and the willpower to go on practicing. If all the new initiates went to group meditation immediately after initiation, and respected the precepts diligently, they would easily enjoy the fruit of meditation and the limitless love and mercy of God. If a person like me has gone on, then I think anyone can.
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Before initiation, I used to live following my own law -- a law without conscience, the law of ignorance; and I was even quite proud of it. I hated everything: society, adults, school. I used to take special pleasure in doing whatever was forbidden because I did not want to be'a stupid sheep following a stupid flock.' I was a perfect precept breaker.
I had seen several psychiatrists who had given me thousands of pills, without results. Once, I inhaled too much of a detergent that makes one crazy and ended up on a psychiatric hospital. Through all this, I just wanted to escape from the boredom, frustration and the absurdity of life; but I was doing it in a completely self-destructive way.
My parents spent many sleepless nights worrying about me and were very sand to see me destroying myself that way. I was a rebel who rejected violently to rules and morality. I was rude, aggressive, disobedient and totally disrespectful towards them
When I came to realize that life was actually a movie, and that people could choose between thrillers, horror films, love stories or fairy tales, I decided to change from the psychological drama to the most beautiful film that was ever played, and of course with the best happy ending. But how?
Something pushed me to India. The day after I arrived in Delhi, I met a yogi. He told me: "You, too much lock. You find Master, be vegetarian, stop hash, alcohol. Your life, too much beautiful. You dying, too much happy."
What was dying happy? I had no idea. But Wow! I quite liked my future and wanted to believe it was true! I
So, that was it! I As soon as you are ready to believe in happiness, then happiness will come to you. If you believe in disasters and suffering, then they will come to you in the same way!
In India, I heard very often these two words: trust and lick. I wanted to believe in the notions of trust and lock, to believe in every wish coming true.
To make a good film of my life, I just had to follow the example of my heroes, but this time, the good ones. The best of all was God. Yeah, Jesus said: What I have done, you can do even better. So I tried playing God, Jesus, Mary, Mother Nature -- all the best ones, to see what would happen!
I was like a child playing parts all day long, no money, no worries, be happy. While I was playing, I hardly slept and ate, and loved everyone. I wanted to save the world, but alone, it was too dangerous, too exhausting. I needed the help of a true Christ.
Again, I wandered alone through the streets of Paris, choking with tears because I still felt the separation from God. I had lost my innocence again and the internal torture was too painful. I felt completely lost in a big jungle with the agonizing feeling of being buried alive -- stuck in this like. The only places where I felt comfortable were churches. There I would sit, close my eyes, and ask Holy Mary: "Please, show me the way to be as humble and graceful as You. Show me the way Home."
For Easter, I went back to my parents in Nantes, and surprisingly went to the church service. As the priest was talking about the light of God and the resurrection, I shed tears all the way through: "Why? Why do I not see the light? I want to see the light too!"
God had heard my prayers. Two weeks later, someone gave me Master's booklet. I read a few lines of it and found everything so clear, simple and pure that I went to the lecture without hesitation. Although it was not love at first sight, I was very touched by Master because I saw in Her the wise, innocent and loving child I was looking for in myself.
I had no idea about the initiation. Before filling in the initiation form, I was struggling inside. Wisdom was telling me I had arrived and found the treasure; but evil did not want to give up eggs, because it liked cakes and croissants very much. It sounds so silly now! But there was really a war inside myself between wisdom and evil. Furthermore I had to work that night and I would be late. A fellow practitioner came to my rescue: "I think you are not aware of who Master is and what a precious gift She gives to all of us. You can find a job anytime, but a living Master, it is one chance in a million years." It woke me up. I phoned my boss to say I would arrive late. She accepted easily.
The next day, I went to the group meditation. I wanted to know more about what had happened to me, what sort of sect I was in. But Master was so loving, kind and patient that I did not want to bother Her with my frustration of having seen nothing. She said: "I will be your best friend till the end." I knew it, but I was feeling close and very far from Her at the same time. She was so pure, I was so impure! She said: "If you saw nothing during initiation, then be patient. Practice. Maybe tomorrow, in one week, two weeks or maybe more, it will come. Just let it be. Don't worry."
My meditation was not improving very much but I hung on. My greatest suffering was the fact that I had not been able to stop smoking. It was a contradiction with my desire for purity. How could I be credible when talking to people about the importance of leading a pure life, while polluting them generously with smelly and toxic smoke. The contact person phoned me to ask me to do some translations. This brought me back to group meditation and put me back on the rails. The radical 'surgery' was the retreat in Chicago. Master was giving me the grace to make a fresh start. After the retreat, my craving for cigarettes just vanished as if it had never existed. I felt free and newly born. I had experienced Master's tremendous loving power and realized that Master was really God incarnated, that She was Christ; I felt so lucky. I was so grateful for Her being so patient with me, for Her helping me whenever I had stumbled on the road. I repented for all the trouble I had caused Her during all this time of shaky faith.
When we suffer, Master suffers too. During all our times of doubts and struggling, She keeps walking by our side, carrying our burden. When I understood that, I said to Master. "Now Master, the only thing I ask is that You tear my ego into pieces; remove the veil of my illusions. It is too tiring to want worldly things. I promise I will not be a burden for You anymore. I will follow You and trust You completely."
I used to be allergic to work. But when doing Master's work, I feel on holiday all the time and never have the feeling of working. I can work for hours and it gives me joy, fulfillment and contentment. I can do things I did not like to do before. For example, I used to be allergic to computers; but now I can spend all day in front of a computer doing translation, and I do not mind. Master often puts us in situations where we have to overcome our dislikes, and it makes us grow faster. When She Fulfills our desires and dreams, we are happy; but at the same time we realize that it is ephemeral.
seek you first the kingdom of God and everything shall be added onto you. My God! It is so true! When you surrender completely to God, and let Him be the only Master of your like, then life is like sailing on a smooth sea on a sunny day. You let Master drive the boat and She knows exactly how to take you to your destination. You do not need to worry about anything; just enjoy the bliss and peace of resting under Her protective wing. Life is so easy when we follow Master. Problems are no longer on our minds.
My parents, in spite of all the tremendous changes in me, still had a few doubts because of the bad things that had happened in different religious sects. But since they saw Master at the S.M. Fashion Show, all their fears have vanished. My mother said: "Wow! I Your Master is superb! I like Her very much! She is so simple and so ordinary!" I will never forget the joy in their eyes when they shook Master's hand.
That night, I had introduced the show and my dad, very touched, said: "I thought an angel was coming down from the sky."
I was very grateful to Master because She gave my parents this happiness. She has also dissolved the last remaining tensions that existed between my parents and me. When I go home, everyone eats vegetarian food and my mom hands sample booklets around, even to the priest.
For her there is only Jesus and she says: "Maybe no need to say that Master is God. She is just a very simple and loving person, and what She teaches can definitely help people" As Master says, "True saints do not smell."
Now I am happy all the time. Master gave me the grace to spend some time in Hsihu. Like is simple, pure and carefree. I do not even need to ask for anything because my desires are far below what Master gives me. We do not know what we need but God Knows.
It was really worth striving and hanging on to the practice. If I had not tried, how could I have known what I was to receive? All the struggles I had encountered in the beginning only came from my resistance to surrender to Master's loving power. This power erases everything and can transform the worst criminals into saints.
The other day Master was telling me in the car."Sometimes I want to quit this job because people sometimes want to possess me or my money, or waste my time asking stupid questions to draw my attention, while I could be using this time to meditate and help the whole world more efficiently. Sometimes I think all this is useless."
I wanted to tell Her. "Oh no! What You give us is so precious. Without You, I would have remained trapped in my ignorance forever and continued to harm and destroy the people and the world without even being aware of it. Without You, I would have never known life could be so simple, happy and carefree. Without You, I would have never known love could be so light, free, compassionate; so beautiful and limitless. Without You, I would have never known the joy of discovering how small and how great we are. Without You, I would have never played the most beautiful game of all -- the joyful trip back Home."
While On The Path
Master's Magical Grace